I told myself I shouldn’t write about you yet here I am, mounting the footsteps and flinging myself off the cliffs of come what may, because sometimes the world gets too much and I need a space to breathe in. I used to think we were two halves of a whole. Now, I think we were always better off with distance.
The reality is that I cannot save you. And I can’t keep fooling myself into thinking that I could; you love your tragedies so much you always choose to bask in them, and I will always try to reach out and keep you from drowning even though I think you’d rather stay in there.
Sometimes the ones we love cannot break us free from the chains that bind us, sometimes we’re the ones who lock them up. I’ve finally mustered up the courage to stop singing with your symphony of one tragedy after another. I will stop pulling out the weeds whenever you keep planting them. If I keep this up I would drown with you, and I choose to get out of the waters to save myself.
The truth is, our music won’t always go well together. The world won’t always wait for us to explode. There won’t always be a sunset to look at, or a rainy day to wash away the wrecked debris. It’s time for me to walk away. I have my own rhythm to face that doesn’t involve you.
Sometimes, we’re the only ones who have to deal with ourselves. Sometimes, the ones we love leave us when we get too much.
these days when i get out of bed,
i mostly dread the mornings
because then you’d be deep in slumber,
and even farther away from me.
in the next year, you’d probably still
be going back in your apartment alone,
but i’m okay, i’d still be here
waiting for you to come home.
i count the seconds until you go on skype,
and i can hear them hammer in my heart
like footsteps in the night,
and all i could think of is what it must feel like
to hold your hand, to watch the skies
without the distance of a hundred miles.
someday i’d pluck up the courage,
to take a needle and thread
from the farthest corner of my desk.
i’d stitch those islands together
just to be able to pull you closer,
and forget all the rest.
I wish I won’t have to keep
missing you in all these spaces
where you should and shouldn’t be,
and I hope someday
I’d finally look forward to mornings,
when you’re right here with me.